You might be an engineer if..............

• At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb in the string
• Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a moral dilemma
• Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are still on a personal tour of the engine room
• In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
• The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
• You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
• You bought your wife a new CD-ROM for her birthday
• You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
• You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
• You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
• You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
• You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do the special effects
• You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
• You have even saved the power cord from a broken appliance
• You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got married
• You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and taping ducts
• You know what http:// actually stands for.
• You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
• You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
• You see a good design and still have to change it
• You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
• You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
• You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough sleep
• You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
• You window shop at Radio Shack
• You're in the back seat of your convertible, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
• You know what the geosynchronous satellite’s function is
• Your checkbook always balances
• Your laptop computer costs more than your car
• Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
• Your wristwatch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
• You've already calculated how much you make per second
• You've even tried to repair a $5 radio

Some Facts ..

1. Almonds are a member of the peach family.
2. Winston Churchill was born in a ladies' room during a dance.
3. Maine is the only state whose name is just one syllable.
4. The largest cabbage weighed 144 lbs.
5. There are only four words in the English language which end in "-dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous.
6. Los Angeles's full name is "El Pueblo de Nuestra Senora la Reina de Los Angeles de Porciuncula" - and can be abbreviated to 3.63% of its size: "L.A."
7. A cat has 32 muscles in each ear.
8. An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain.
9. Tigers have striped skin, not just stripped fur.
10. In most advertisements, the time displayed on a watch is 10:10.
11. Al Capone's business card said he was a used furniture dealer.
12. The characters Bert and Ernie on Sesame Street were named after Bert the cop and Ernie the taxi driver in Frank Capra's "Its A Wonderful Life."
13. A dragonfly has a life span of 24 hours.
14. A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds.
15. It's impossible to sneeze with your eyes open. (DON'T try this at home!)
16. The giant squid has the largest eyes in the world.
17. In England, the Speaker of the House is not allowed to speak.
18. The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket.
19. Mr. Rogers is an ordained minister.
20. There are 336 dimples on a regulation golf ball.
21. "Stewardesses" is the longest word that is typed with only the left hand.
22. Many hamsters blink one eye at a time.
23. The inventor of the flushing toilet was Thomas Crapper.
24. The average bed is home to over 6 billion dust mites.
25. Plastic lawn flamingos outnumber real flamingos in the U.S.A.
26. Whitby, Ontario has more donut stores per capita than any other place in the world.

Some facts you never wanna know

1. For every human being on earth, there are about 200 million insects.
2. The harmonica is the world's most popular instrument.
3. By the time they are 65 years old, most Americans have watched more than nine years worth of television.
4. The puck in ice hockey can travel at up to 118 mph (190 km/h).
5. If you stretched all the nerves in the body from end to end, they would be about 47 miles long.
6. Humans have more than 600 muscles in their bodies.
7. Rubber bands last longer when refrigerated.
8. Peanuts are one of the ingredients of dynamite.
9. There are 293 ways to make change for a dollar.
10. The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing.
11. A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes.
12. There are more chickens than people in the world.
13. Two-thirds of the world's eggplant is grown in New Jersey.
14. The longest one-syllable word in the English language is "screeched."
15. All of the clocks in the movie "Pulp Fiction" are stuck on 4:20.
16. No word in the English language rhymes with month, orange, silver or purple.
17. "Dreamt" is the only English word that ends in the letters "mt."
18. All 50 states are listed across the top of the Lincoln Memorial on the back of the $5 bill.

Engineers One liners

1. Good engineers are not born, they are Pre-fabricated
2. Pi - Gods way of telling you to get a bigger calculator
3. Bio-engineers, now everyone gets a drumstick at thanksgiving.
4. If God didn't want perfect circles he wouldn't have invented Pi.
5. Warning - Inversion intolerant
6. Contents liable to Over reaction
7. Sorry, I only drink Decalitres
8. If found please return to (insert GPS co-ordinates)
9. Civil engineers, Lifes way of saying your rubbish at sports.
10. I can calculate your interest in me to 9 decimal places
11. Could I interest you in my Na2Ca2Al6Si9O30·8(H2O) collection ?
12. I prefer the term Bio-culture harvester instead of "Fat"
13. (R-CH2OH) fueled love machine
14. Opinions crushed while you wait
15. Bio-engineers - Life forms created, your place or mine ?
16. I came, I saw, I adjusted the azimuth a bit
17. I could go on for days ....
18. Please remove upon installation

Money One liners

1. Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much interest.
2. Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.
3. Money takes the sting out of being poor.
4. Money can't buy everything... but then again neither can no money.
5. We were soooooo poor, we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick the other kid's fingers
6. "Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts chasing me with scissors." - J. Bothne
7. The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.
8. Give 'til it hurts... then have your accountant calculate the write- off.