Some Q&A over Lawyers

Q. What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A. A good start!

Q. How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A. His lips are moving.

Q. What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A. There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

Q. Why won't sharks attack lawyers?
A. Professional courtesy.

Q. What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A. Not enough sand.

Q. What do you buy a friend graduating from Law School?
A. A Lobotomy.

Q. How do you save five drowning lawyers?
A. Who cares?

Q. What do you call a block of cement containing ten lawyers?
A. A waste of cement.

Q. How do you stop a lawyer from drowning?
A1. Shoot him before he hits the water.
A2. Take your foot off his head.

Q. How do you get a lawyer out of a tree?
A. Cut the rope.

Q. What do you do if you run over a Lawyer?
A1. Back over him to make sure.
A2. Make another notch on the steering wheel.

Q. What's the difference between a lawyer and a bucket of sh*t?
A. The bucket.

Q. What is the definition of a shame (as in "that's a shame")?
A. When a bus load of lawyers goes off a cliff.

Q. What is the definition of a "crying shame"?
A. There was an empty seat.

Q. What can a goose do, a duck can't, and a lawyer should?
A. Stick his bill up his ass.

Q. What do you get when you cross the Godfather with a lawyer?
A. An offer you can't understand.

Q. Why is it that many lawyers have broken noses?
A. From chasing parked ambulances.

Q. Where can you find a good lawyer?
A. In the cemetery.

One Liners on Lawyers

• 99% of lawyers are giving the rest a bad name.
• Criminal Lawyer - a redundant phrase.
• Send lawyers, guns and money!
• Hear about the terrorist that hijacked a 747 full of lawyers?... He threatened to release one every hour if his demands weren't met.
• It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
• The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will be no problem with fee-splitting.
• There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking the cow.
• If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator -- It would be a good idea to just leave them there.
• I broke a mirror in my house and I am supposed to get 7 years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me 5.
  
  

Questions related to Lawyers

• What do lawyers use for birth control?
  ## Their personalities.

• What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer?
  ##A tick falls off of you when you die.

• Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients?
  ##To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the same service.

• What do you have when 100 lawyers are buried up to their neck in sand?
  ##Not enough sand.

• What's the difference between a dead skunk in the road and a dead lawyer in the middle of the road?
  ##There are skid marks in front of the skunk.

• What is black and brown and looks good on a lawyer?
  ## A Doberman.

• Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
  ## If one side has one, the other side has to get one. Once launched, they cannot be recalled. When they land, they screw up everything forever.

• What do lawyers and sperm have in common?
  ##One in 3,000,000 has a chance of becoming a human being.

• Did you hear that the Post Office just recalled their latest stamps?
  ## They had pictures of lawyers on them ...and people couldn't figure out which side to spit on.

• Lawyer's creed:
  ## A man is innocent until proven broke.

• What's the difference between a female lawyer and a pit bull?
  ## Lipstick.

• What do you call 20 lawyers skydiving from an airplane?
  ## Skeet.

• What do you get when you cross a bad politician with a crooked lawyer?
  ##Chelsea Clinton

• If you see a lawyer on a bicycle, why should you swerve to avoid hitting him?
  ## It might be your bicycle.

• Santa Claus, the tooth fairy, an honest lawyer and an old drunk are walking down the street together when they simultaneously spot a hundred dollar bill. Who gets it?
  ## The old drunk, of course; the other three are mythical creatures.

• It was so cold last winter ... (How cold was it?)
  ## ...... I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.

• A man walked into a lawyer's office and inquired about the lawyer's rates.
  "$50.00 for three questions", replied the lawyer.
  "Isn't that awfully steep?" asked the man.
  "Yes," the lawyer replied, "and what was your third question?"

• You're trapped in a room with a tiger, a rattlesnake and a lawyer. You have a gun with two bullets. What should you do?
  ## You shoot the lawyer. Twice.

• Do you know what happens when a lawyer takes Viagra?
  ## He gets taller.

Death One Liners -II

• Death is hereditary.
• It is often said that before you die your life passes before your eyes. It is in fact true. It's called living. (Terry Pratchett)
• The more you complain, the longer God makes you live.
• You should always show up at your funeral.
• If I die, I'm taking you with me!... oh, -you're- dying? Forget I said anything.
• "A single death is a tragedy. A million deaths is a statistic." - Joseph Stalin
• The only certain thing in life is death.
• What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
• Where there's a will, I want to be in it.
• Always go to other people's funerals; otherwise, they won't come to yours.
• Over half the world's population die.
• I have decided to live forever, or die in the attempt.
• Death to all fanatics!
• Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Death One Liners

• Death is God's way of telling you not to be such a wise guy.
• I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
• What happens if you get scared half to death, twice?
• Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which a person can die.
• Don't upset me.. I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
• I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be there when it happens.
• Death is a part of life. It's just a lot less scary and painful than the rest of it.
• I can't live with death; he's always leaving the toilet seat up.
• Give me immortality or give me death.
• If a person with multiple personalities threatens suicide, is that a hostage situation?
• It's not how you die that matters. It's who you take with you.
• Don't run, you'll just die tired.
• Why won't you die?!?!
• Guns don't kill people; death kills people. It's a proven medical fact.
• He's not dead; he's electroencephalographically challenged.
• It's too early in the morning for suicide.
• Death, taxes and depression: three things you can always depend on.
  

More flirting one liners

• Hey did it hurt????????when god dropped u from heaven????
• Have you always been this cute, or did you have to work at it?
• oh.... u r so gorgeous... that i almost forgot my standard pickup line
• i'm here to wipe tat singles tag ur carring!!
• do u believe in love at first sight or shud i pass ba again...
• hey beauty, i have lost my mobile, can i borrow your number?
• Is your name Gillette? 'Cause you're the best a man can get. ;)
• V both R staying alone, so whose house is the Best...?
• If you held up 11 roses in front of a mirror, you would see 12 of the most beautiful things in the world.
• I waited my whole life to date the girl of my dreams, but I dumped that chick when I saw you.
• I may not be the best looking guy in here,but i'm the ONLY ONE talking to u
• You must be really tired!!! coz u have been running in my mind all day
• is that a stampead or is it just my heart pounding!!!
• Smile its the second best thing you can do with your lips...!!!!
• Do you have a coin? I want to call your parents to thank them.

Best flirting one liners

• Its girls like u that cause global warming!!!!!!
  
• Excuse me, do you think you might possibly have a mutual friend who could introduce us.
• Hi, my name is {name}, how do you like me so far?
• I just wanted to show this rose how incredibly beautiful you are!!
• I seemed to have lost my way, would you mind taking me with you.
• Is there an airport nearby or is that just my heart taking off?
• Overheard in our computer lab: Just because your computers are incompatible, doesn't mean we are.
• You know, you might be asked to leave soon. You're making the other women look really bad.
• My boys over there bet that I wouldn't be able to start a conversation with the most beautiful girl in the room. Want to buy some drinks with their money?
• Excuse me, but I think I dropped something ... My Jaw !!!
• When God made you, he was showing off